PART 1 - HEARTBREAK ON MAUI….

note: the following blog post will be split into 6 installments and each will be posted in roughly 2 day intervals beginning August 1st 2010. your comments are welcome below.

HEARTBREAK ON MAUI….

post date: Aug 1, 2010

I had my heart broken on Maui.

Broken open.

The story starts with a wedding invitation. Suspiciously, the invitation only went out about a month before the event. Amongst other things, because of that I sensed something special must be up...you could say I was suspicious it might be auspicious.

IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY:
Backing up a bit, 30 years ago today (August 1st 1980 - still have the receipt) I bought a book - on a lark, really - from the Carriage House bookstore in Richmond Virginia. That same copy of the book has been on my coffee table almost continuously in the 30 years since. At the time I understood little about what the content was, but I knew it was about Eastern spirituality, and the middle of the book was filled with really cool psychedelic illustrations. Since that time, my understanding has grown, and it has been a resource to return to for inspiration and guidance about the tenets of one of the oldest spiritual systems on the planet.

That publication was written 40 years ago by a man named Baba Ram Dass, pictured here at home on July 26th 2010 at the wedding rehearsal:
Ram Dass had been a professor called Richard Alpert at Harvard, and had various research grants with prestigious institutions like Yale and Stanford. He was at the top of his field. In the early 60's, he met and worked with Timothy Leary, and Aldous Huxley and started experimenting with various psychotropic substances, especially as a way of elevating consciousness and spirituality. He was also heavily influenced by ideas of eastern spirituality, and in 1967, disillusioned by his life as it was, he left and traveled to India. He lived in the tutelage of the Maharaj-ji, a spiritual leader in India, who passed away in 1973. He spent a number of years there, and there he took the name Baba Ram Dass.

The book he wrote, "Remember: Be Here Now", is considered a classic of eastern spiritual thought. As I sit in the Maui airport typing this, I have that very same copy purchased in 1980 in my carry on luggage, my cover is below:



A number of people who were in that place along with Ram Dass in India during that time period with the Maharaj-ji some 40 plus years ago were in Maui this week for a 40 year reunion of the book's publishing. Ram Dass himself, who is now 79 years old, lives on Maui now, and hosted this event at his home.

AND THE BRIDE:
I have had a friend since high school originally named Robin Eisen. (Hiking with her on Maui earlier this week):

Robin has grown and flowered in ways that astound me constantly. She is also stunningly beautiful in the physical sense (as well as the inner sense), and the years have been kind to her in both aspects. Also, I am a friend of her family's, as well as of her. Her brother Danny and I have been friends for over 30 years also, and saw each other daily from our college days in the early '80's until he left New York for San Diego in the mid '90's. In the late '80's, I escaped New York under despair of a failing relationship and stayed with Robin's mother for over a week, and she consoled me and provided me companionship and solace while I built shelves in her new apartment. I mention that because I can't imagine staying with anybody else's mother like that. The entire family are special, full of good energy and positive vibes. Some of the best people I've ever known, or can even imagine knowing.

Robin has been on a spiritual path in this lineage that Ram Dass represents for some time. In fact, several years ago, she traveled to the same place in India as Ram Dass and his group, and was given the name 'Saraswati' by an heir of the Maharaj-ji's. With respect, I will refer to her in these posts as 'Saraswati' from here on out. Saraswati has also been deepening her relationship with her partner Raghu, and they decided to marry. Raghu was one of those people staying in India when Ram Dass was there, and is good friends with him, and takes a part in running the affairs of the good works their foundation does. I was deeply honored to be invited to Maui to share in their ceremony, and to share in their Satsang (community), for the 6 days that I was there.

note: Some of the above historical facts may be a little inaccurate, especially dates - it's basically the story as I understand it. I urge you to seek out other sources for better info, this is just for background.

UH-OH!
When I first got the invitation, I was finding all sort of fear coming up. For example, did Saraswati really want me there? How would I (unworthy me) interact with these amazing people? What about the money, and logistics? What about emotional equilibrium (like ego)? I talked to a trusted advisor, I ran it by my friends, and in the end, decided to take the leap. This was to be a pilgrimage for me, and I sensed it could be a turning point in my emotional life.

That was the biggest fear of all. All of those emotional layers are so tightly coiled and wrapped - trying to keep it together. Life for some of us is a fight to keep it together isn't it? Tight. as. possible - avoiding the dance so you don't look silly, avoiding your tears so you don't look stupid. We can't let others see these things, or they find out you're silly, or a whimp, or unwanted, whatever.

What would it be like to give all that up?

I ran it by Saraswati in an email…you really want me there? She wrote me back: "You are just so funny! I would love for you to be there. You are someone who has threaded through my entire life in a very unexpected and sweet and meaningful way."

OK. I guess that's not the problem?

In the early morning of July 24th as I I stepped on the plane at Newark airport, all those fears were very much in the backseat, and a sense of adventure was the primary feeling. Like a parcel put in the mail…it's out of my hands now……

…and I was about to have my heart broken…

next: A NEW FRIENDSHIP

Mentors (part 1)....

Not long ago a friend and I were talking about American Idol:

I will reveal with trepidation that I have watched on and off during the show's run. What appeals to me about it is not the music but the human drama. They put these people, who are basically green - sometimes totally so - through a horrendous hazing. I'm sure these newbees are working exhausting non-stop 12 hour days, trying to wring out as good as possible a presentation in the short time they have. Then they are put through a harrowing gauntlet as they are critiqued on live television after basically baring all - singing in a situation with virtually no safety net. It's brutal.

How do they even handle it? When I'm slightly behind on a work deadline my heart starts pounding like I'm going to go into cardiac arrest!

One can certainly argue vociferously against certain aspects of the show, and I would join you happily in that viewpoint. For example, imagine a young Bob Dylan, or Jimi Hendrix, or Patti Smith, or David Byrne, or John Lennon trying out for Simon Cowell? The artistry that those people created would be totally lost on him. So the show's viewpoint is very narrow -- painfully, painfully narrow.

And that brings me to the point of this...

Watch out for what your mentors say. It's not the truth:


You read that right - it's not the truth. Think about that for a minute...

The other night as I was doing some sidework in the studio, I had a show on the TV in the background called "American Idol Rewind". That's where they rehash the trajectory of the show's events from a previous season. I usually hate the rehashes, but I was struck by this particular show. It was devoted to a contestant named Chris Daughtry, who was eliminated in a previous season in the 4th spot, but who has gone on to a very successful career (more successful than some winners). In my opinion, he's one of the more authentic performers to have come from the show.

To start off with, Simon voted thumbs down at his audition, saying he could hear his singing in any two-bit bar in the country (paraphrasing). In my opinion that's hubris, pure and simple. It wasn't because it was in any way cringworthy, he just didn't like it because of the bee in his bonnet, which was masquerading as the "truth".

All along the way - condensed in the rewind show - Simon had similar kinds of comments about Daughtry.

It started dawning on me that the narrative that exists out there about Cowell "telling the truth" is incorrect. Simon Cowell is decidedly UN-shy in giving his opinion, but his opinion should NOT be construed as the truth.

In fact, looking back on this particular case, I perceived Cowell spoiled snob who's unable to recognize another reality might simultaneously exist. Yes, Simon's been able to have success guiding people's careers, and that's an admirable accomplishment, but it's an act of creation, not reduction. Put another way, there's not right, and there's not wrong. It's all possibility. Maybe his 'make or break' credentials in the industry lead him to believe he's looking through some special "truth lens", but what he's really doing is deciding on a personal preference and then mobilizing to make that possibility (one of many) a reality.

My guess is one of two things - 1) that he's not emotionally awake enough to have that distinction...either that - or 2) he's an actor playing a very piss-y part.

Enough said, I don't mean to pick on him for not being a spiritual guru. I'm no Bodhisattva myself.

But what I mean to say is this: Be very, very careful when you listen to those voices that tell you you're not doing it right, or that you're not good enough - even from high places. Learn to recognize when the harsh voices in your head are yours (hint: if they're overly harsh that's unlikely) or someone else's. Also watch as to whether they resonate truthfulness, or instead prey on insecurity.

Here is a key distinction taught to me by a kind and mindful spiritual teacher I know: If you find yourself internally judging yourself rudely or harshly, it's not your voice doing the talking.....it's the voice of others - strangers, friends or family - who have judged you unkindly in the past. In fact, if you think hard enough, you can usually identify the speaker (as in, my mother used to say "x", my high school teacher told me "y".).

Although it may be sometimes hard to believe, you love yourself unconditionally.

Here's the kicker: those voices are not going anywhere - and don't expect that they will. Sometimes they will be made manifest in your head, by people on the periphery, or by people actually in your life, and they will undoubtedly litter your path throughout your journey.

But if you play your cards right, and work to keep them in perspective, they will be a small residual refuse of something great that you create....

Ego and "the watcher"......

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of 'ego' as it relates to myself, and how my ego can hold me back....

Now if you're thinking to yourselves that you never thought of Reed as a person with an enormous ego, I can say that until recently I would have agreed.

Many of us think of persons with a big ego as generally being rude, or angry, or overly demonstrative, or having difficult personalities, but I've recently come to the realization - both through my own experiences and the wisdom of friends - that ego also has a flip side. Ego can cause one to be passive as well. Ego can be the enemy of self expression. If that expression manifests in making a contribution, then it can actually prevent you from giving of yourself. It holds you back from writing your music, reaching out to your friend...expressing yourself.

This ties into the buddhist concept of 'the watcher'.

In all of us, there is an ability for self awareness outside ourselves. We can stand outside of ourselves - almost as if we were watching a play or TV show - and judge our performance. Often harshly. On the positive side, this is what keeps us safe in certain circumstances when we choose to not act on an impulse. On the negative side though, the watcher is also prone to be judgmental. Unfortunately, this can severely limit our ability to acheive peak performance. A simple example: imagine if you were to think about every little motion with analytical focus and judgement as you were driving your car...some things are best done in automatic mode.

Ever tried to sing or play a musical instrument while simultaneously thinking to yourself "that note as flat", "that phrase dragged", "I wish I was better" or even "I suck"? It's not helpful! I know that situation all too well.

I experience my lovely little dog Tito as a case study in minimizing the role of the watcher. When he sees someone he likes, he whines embarrassingly, he approaches with no compunction, and he demonstrates affection fiercely. I am often moderately embarrassed, and in revealing that, I'm often made aware that the person who's the object of Tito's affection doesn't understand or connect with what I'm saying. "Why would you be embarrassed?"

In my own personal life, I am far more likely to be aloof - to pretend to be nonplussed. This is the action of my ego. I have to pretend that I don't care to avoid embarrassment.

The ego is not to be confused with 'the self'. Ever caught yourself not laughing because you feared someone's (or your own internal) judgement? Ever wanted to call someone and didn't do it because you thought they'd be bothered? Ever wanted to dance but not allowed yourself -- to sing? What you were doing was letting your ego take charge of the self. Sometimes the ego doesn't like it when the creature it inhabits is self-expressed. The self threatens the survival of the ego. The ego lives in fear.

For me, my fear of embarrassment is sadly almost pathological. I'm sure a lot of people have a similar experience. That's my ego doing the fearing.

Here's a trick, realize that often 'the watcher' is the voice of other people - bullies, critics, unhappy people (or people manifesting their unhappiness in your direction) - that is present in your memory. For example an abusive parent could be the voice you're hearing, the unhappy ex-spouse, people from childhood, old teachers...whoever.

The self unconditionally loves you. The ego judges you.

I was recently reminded of Oblique Strategies, which were first released as a set of 'playing' cards by musician Brian Eno and artist Peter Schimdt as an aid for productivity in their art. Each card has a single sentence or phrase on it that is there to jog your mind somehow. Example: "Is there something missing?".

There is a card in there that says "what wouldn't you do?". That's my favorite one.

That's my task, think of what that is and then do it, regardless of the discomfort.

-- what wouldn't I do?


on the net:
forum for hindu awakening
Spiritual Research Foundation
oblique strategies Wiki

A work in progress...

Yeah, I'm not thrilled about sharing works in progress...it scares me.

I'd be the guy who would spank it, knead it, massage it, refine it, update it, refashion it....until it's exactly as I want it to end up. That's because I want you to LIKE me, and I don't want to be criticized. Not very Buddha nature, I know.

So that's my dilemma. I have to work with the challenge of being unfinished, and unpolished, unrefined, undone. So in that spirit, I'll stop typing now, and without looking back, I'll just post a little snippet of an idea I've been working on, which I'm going to add to later, and make a full piece out of.

OK, maybe I'll just go back and check my spelling once.......

This Vessel....the sequel

Most often, when we post on Facebook it's little humorous dalliances, fun little musings and other fluff from the minutia of our existence.

But then, someone will post something that really shakes you...

A friend, a wonderful person who I have known - and had worked with way back in the '90's - just posted that his partner passed away today, calling her in his sad post "the love of my life". This is the second post like this I've seen recently, from folks who were once in my life in a bigger way, and then moved on somehow. Facebook is a boon for these relationships, allowing us to be a little bit in touch. This guy is living 1000 miles away.

So many mixed emotions...I reach out to comfort and give appreciation for a person whose troubles I would have never been aware if not for Facebook, and that seems like a blessing -- to be able to at least try and be of some comfort.

I'm thankful for that opportunity, as I concurrently hope - with some doubt - that my words give the comfort that is compatible with how I feel. It feels like an affirmation to reach out. Of course, I feel the sadness as well, being well acquainted with the goodbyes that the end of life bring.

Still, I've never said goodbye to a partner at the end of their life. It feels clumsy, presumptive and embarrassing to say I know how it feels.

At a particularly low ebb in my life, I once wrote a fatalistic song. The opening lyric: "we're all alone my friend, we're all alone today -- and we're born and we die that way."

But is that true? We're born with a mother in waiting who is instinctually prepared to nurture us to maturity, and likewise instinctual is the propensity to comfort and help those who are passing, or are losing their loved ones.

I recently met a man with inoperable cancer who didn't have long to live, and he told me "my cancer is a gift." Of course he quickly added "I'd give it back if I could." Still, he was seeing an opportunity that was coming up because of it. He passed away about 2 weeks ago. So it would seem that my song lyric was a point of view, which has a ring of truth, but ultimately as fact it falls apart on reflection.

At the same time however, I sit in my room high atop Manhattan's never ending cycles, staring out at the sweeping view, where lights have faded from the frantic pace of rush hour, and the sense of aloneness is palpable. Outside, even now at 2:00 AM, a siren wails quietly, a train horn's plaintive sound in the distance and the garbage trucks making their rounds takes me back 25 years in an instant, to those days when I was a new transplant, roaming NYC's streets at this hour with the optimism and joy of the feeling that anything could happen. Just around the corner, there's greatness waiting patiently for me.

Tonight, there's two thoughts I think. The first is: what is it - this life - all about?

The second is: who am I...really?

More on the second thought later.

My thoughts on health care....

This was a response to a facebook status update by a friend, basically agreeing with his thoughts


First, I think that we should have a single payer system. On the other hand, I have no illusion that that is currently politically possible.

I personally (and I say this respectfully, because I'm sure you mean well) don't understand the logic of folks who say that the government can't be trusted to accomplish the oversight of a reasonable health care system. As an example, look at the subject of schooling -- only the most far out of the mainstream person would think that we shouldn't have schools for everyone. No, they may not all be first rate, some may be poorly run, but what's the alternative - that only the rich people get educated?

Plus, you can still pay for private school if you want and have the resources.

Another example - suppose every one of us is responsible for the little piece of road in front of our house? Won't work. The government (state, local or national - depending on the road) HAS to do it.

The same people who support our keeping a standing army run by the government trot out this notion that the government can't do anything when they want to obstruct change. Why don't we all get some guns individually, and then we'll meet up in the town square when someone invades? Even John Boehner doesn't think that (note to John: lighten up on the spray tanning product, fella.)

We need the government, when things aren't working in government, we need to improve them by voting, protesting etc., but government is a reality.

Also, those who say they don't want the government between them and their doctors are forgetting that for-profit companies ARE, with far more insidious results.

People who talk about waits? I have a three month wait for my dentist NOW, and I have no insurance.

These companies at the very least need to be regulated. These companies are screwing you, and me. It's just that simple. If I had a terminal disease, they wouldn't even give me the privilege of screwing me, because of my pre-existing condition.

So if you have a problem with existing legislation, great, what's your idea? If you can offer a better idea you have my undivided attention, but if your comment is the general 'government can't be trusted' - you know, because they can't be trusted - that's not a solution, that's obstruction.

Finally, my feeling is imperfect legislation is better than nothing, we need to move the pendulum in the right direction even if we can't create perfection the first time around.

Stop ragging on Woodstock.....

.

MY LETTER TO THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLE LINKED BELOW:

Dear Mr. Tyrangiel,

I'm stuck by a comment you made in the article in Time Magazine "Woodstock: How Does It Sound 40 Years Later?"

You said: "To have not been alive during Woodstock, we're told, was to have missed the freest moment in American history.

Boomers do this regularly, of course — make up stuff about how great they are. They're also eager consumers of goods that jog the memory of their greatness."

I am enough struck by your cluelessness that I felt compelled to write. You might be surprised to hear that I wasn't presently engaged in "making up stuff about how great I was". You'd be right to assert (as your article does without directly stating) that nostalgia is indeed a sort of prism, and some of the light it yields is amplified truth, and other light is not refracted at all. It stands to reason that one might encounter or experience an exaggerated sense of justice or purpose in the events of 40 years ago, and in doing so look past the foibles.

My observation to your thoughts is this: in my humble view, pretty much every comment you make in this section of the article, really exhibits a value system existing your personal core beliefs that completely misses the point -- of the event, of the music, and to a certain extent - of life. I'd have more success explaining music to the Taliban.

If I were to try to explain it to that Taliban person, it would to say how music - at its best - uplifts the human spirit, and brings us closer to our essence, emotionally and spiritually.

On a more brass tacks level, I could refute some of your musical judgement, by mentioning - for one example - that contrary to your view, Richie Havens performance is far more polished in terms of intonation, than CSNY's "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes". To get into that point by point is to wallow in mud I have no interest in being in. The thing that they both have, which seems to be missed by your assessment is the passion by which they are delivered, and they both score highly in that regard for me.

The summary is that the values extant in your viewpoint ultimately exploit different capital than those of the Woodstock generation. Try this on for size: money's good but it's not everything, singing in tune is good, but it's not everything.

The real important stuff is elsewhere...

...but no matter -- I'll bet you have (in a metaphorical sense if not in actuality) autotune installed and hard at work on your computer as we speak....

Welcome to 2009!